A few years ago, I joined an RP group for Final Fantasy Tactics. I'm going to take this opportunity to say that I got very popular in it, while it lasted . . . Then the founder decided to just up and quit one day, leaving those of us who had really gotten into it for about a year, completely abandoned. That was about a year ago.

I kept in touch with some of the people from the group, but mostly one guy in particular - gast. I don't think I ever knew his real name, or even if he's a guy. It doesn't really matter to me, honestly. Him and I were both sort of legends within the group. We were more interested in the character development, the interaction, rather than the battles.

Anyway, one day we get this idea in our heads: that we should make our own RP FFT group. We kicked it around for a while, and we were both still so pissed off by the idea of so many good, promising groups that had come before and just died or never got off the ground . . . that the energy we both had fueled our creativity.

We set up FFT: Children of Lucavi back in May. We got a Tripod site for information stuffs, you know, and we've been working on it ever since.

For the last two weeks or so, though, gast's been gone. He pops up every once in a while, I'll run some ideas by him, and he'll be all noncommittal and eventually sign off. For a while, I was working without him, but lately I realized that I've been working on too much without him and that the two of us really have to put our heads together if we want to pull this off.

Today I decided to stop waiting. I weighed the options -- either I stop working entirely and run the risk of losing my momentum, or I keep working and possibly alienate him. Thing is, if he's really that busy, he'd be glad that I've continued to work on the site while he had other things to do. Well, I hope he'll be glad, at least. I don't know, he's been kind of weird lately and I figure, you know, best to leave him to his own devices rather than pester him about something that he may not feel as good about as when we started.

While I was doing that, Shalyn called me today. Shalyn is my ex-girlfriend that I never quite got over. We had a very good relationship for about five years, but in the end, she broke it off because I wasn't a very good boyfriend. Not to say I was particularly -bad- . . . but she's happier with Brandon. Ah well.

Anyway, we'd been in touch the last two months because I owe her some money. I started to pay it back, in part because I wanted to pay it back, you know, but in part because I wanted to be able to stick around . . . in case she changed her mind about us. It was kind of a bastardly thing to do, very sneaky.

I called her the other day because I wasn't sure I could afford to continue paying her back. The last two times, I'd been in the same situation: waiting for my next check, floating by on less than fifteen bucks and trying not to spend anything. Plus, I realized that I hadn't been rewarding myself with stuff. I need new pants and there are some CDs that I was looking at, and if I went on a date I had to be careful about how much I spent . . . basically, I couldn't afford to make myself happy. I talked to a few people, and they all say the same thing: a debt is meant to be paid off when you can afford to do so. I couldn't afford to do so anymore.

I really didn't want to be paying less per check than I already was -- it was going to take over a year to pay it all off as it was, and if I was going to give her less per check, even more time, obviously. So I called her to say that I wasn't going to do it anymore, but that when I could, I would. I left a message on her phone, and she called back today.

It was fine by her. She said that she never really expected -any- money back, and it wasn't like she needed it to get by anyway, so . . . you know.

Then I admitted why I really called. See, I never quite got closure out of the whole thing. Now more than ever, I actually wanted it to be over, rather than it to not be. So I got her to convince me that she would -never- reconsider. I feel better now -- I was spending a great deal of time obsessing over it.

We left and I worked more on the website. I'm having a hard time writing a description of the Archer job class. It's complicated.

I bought myself two Hybrid CDs. I hope they come soon.

I should do something tomorrow. I'm not sure what, though.

Man, it sure comes apart here, at the end. Oh well, it'll get easier.